What have I creat-ed today?

It is the blessing and curse of existing - that we humans are conscious of our existence.  Naturally, as thinking beings, the greatest human question is why?  Why do we exist? Why were we created?

While the more existential question of why does the human race exist is a more complicated question to answer, the natural progression of human thought can, in a way, reason why we, individually exist.  Why was I, Tori, created?

The human hope is this: we were created on purpose.  We were created because we're part of a bigger plan, we were created because we each have something unique to bring to the world.

Sitting on my couch on a January Sunday afternoon, I realized that I have not created or changed anything as of late.  If we really were created for a reason, then I'd like to try harder to find mine.

From the very beginning, this blog was created to inspire others that the -ed is out there, whatever the -ed is to you.  I'm going to spend some more time looking for my -ed this year and I hope you'll join me on the journey.

Ask yourself this: what have I created today? what have I done with my last 24 hours of existence?

Today, my answer is a lentil soup and this blog post.  It's a start.

You're not Bor-ed, You're Boring.

On one of my frequented blogs, Yes and Yes, I found this quote:


"‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless. The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.’" -Louis CK

How true it is. Your mind is an infinite resource that is constantly bubbling with words and thoughts and images, plans and dreams. Capture them to share with the rest of the world. Write something, draw something, sing something, make something, say something, be something.

Likewise, the world is there for your entertainment, experience it.
Eat an ice cream cone and taste the sweet grains of sugar as they melt on your tongue.
Kiss someone’s forehead and marvel at how affection can pulsate through your being so strongly that you have to clench your teeth and fists to keep it inside.
Kick your legs up on a park swing, isn’t it amazing that no matter how high you pump, you can never push yourself up and over the bar in one big circle?
Seek to understand the answer to a question no one has posed before.
Notice all the details.
Keep going, digging, running, writing, being.
You don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.’

Baffl-ed.

When I was in 5th grade, my English teacher gave the class an assignment to make a list of 10 things that we didn’t understand. Even at the time, I remember thinking it was a really cool project. Here were a few of the things on my list:

I don’t understand…

1. How music is recorded and played back on a CD.

2. How everything fits and works together in your body.

3. How the universe can be infinite. Actually, I don’t understand infinity, in general.

4. Black holes.

5. How language began.

Ironically, most of what I didn’t understand back then remains a mystery to me today.

For some reason, photography makes slightly more sense to me than music. A light reflection collected on film is something I can understand. But how sound vibrations are collected on a shiny plastic disk and played back to make up the nuances of a piano solo or a jazz singer’s voice is beyond my comprehension.

The complexity of the human body baffles me. Even more mind boggling is the fact that something so familiar to each one of us, still remains one of the least understood (and most abused) things in our physical realm.

The idea that there is no end to something—that if we were to reach out in any direction for light years, we would never find an edge—is something I imagine none of us will ever truly understand.

Black holes. Enough said.

Essentially how any concept begins (language, numbers, math, etc.) is fascinating to me. Who was the caveman who first decided that the objects we put into our mouths would be called ‘food’? And further, who was the first guy to think ‘hey, I should eat this!’ Was it all a chain reaction? Caveman #1 eats something, he feels better, so he decides he needs to tell caveman #2 to eat it too. How do I do that? Well, perhaps I’ll make some noises and gesture. And so, language was born? That’s just the way I imagine it, but I think you get the point. The beginning of anything is fascinating.

After some consideration, I’ve come up with a theory--because it is human nature to want to understand everything around us. Perhaps there are so many open-ended questions left unanswered so that there would be purpose for life. If every answer was apparent, there would be no reason to explore, to challenge, to experiment. It gives us something to do with our approximately 70 years on Earth. God left us a puzzle with an infinite number of pieces so we’d stay busy.

What piece do you think you’re in charge of? What don’t you understand?

Strung out and start-ed anew

A few realizations I came to this past week:

1. I need one weeknight to take a 'me' break: organize paperwork, spend time reading on the couch, try out a new recipe, have a special dinner with the lovely roommate, etc.  As much as I love a great weeknight workout to unwind, a day off does me a lot of good.
2. I need to stop asking too many 'big' questions at once: thoughts about the future tend to snowball.  Though it's important to ask these questions sometimes, I need to avoid overwhelming myself so often and spend more time enjoying the present. 
3. Dance parties are good for the soul: this weekend a few girlfriends and I turned on some '80s music after a dinner of margaritas.  We jumped around, waving our arms and tapping our feet like pre-teens at a Jonas Brothers concert.  What sweet release it was!

And now, looking back at my realizations, I realize that perhaps the string is wound just a little too tight.  I know I've been trying to slowly unwind, but maybe it's time to cut the string and start anew.

Snip, snip.

Trust-ed.

Sometimes we all need a mental health day.  A day to dump all of our thoughts out on the table, sort through them and only let the good ones back in.

If I ever needed one, today would be the day.  For some reason, my brain switch turned on last night.  You know the switch that all of a sudden causes your mind to run a million miles a minute, carrying frantic questions from one side to another, bouncing off the sides of your skull before landing on your tongue and bursting into language?  Next thing you know, you're asking questions like "where do you see us two years from now?" and "will it ever feel like it's enough?"

And the truth is, when we ask these questions, no answer is ever going to be the right one.  Because the truth isn't enough: "I love you." and "I don't know."  And a lie is a lie. 

If only we could learn to let life live, without questioning every next step.  If only we could unload all of the anxious thoughts and nagging questions, turn off the switch, and trust it.

pic:weheartit

Questions Answer-ed by More Questions.

This morning I bumped into a friendly co-worker in the ladies' room.  I asked her how she was, and she paused for a second before replying, "I'm alright."  Feeling like there was something behind this response, I pushed a bit further.

"Just alright?"

She promised she'd send me a link to a video she had watched earlier that morning and I would understand.  About an hour later, this link popped up in my inbox and I ate up the 15 minute video of a commencement speech by Steve Jobs.  I highly recommend taking the time to watch this inspirational clip--but beware, it will make you think.

Basically, his message to the graduating class of Stanford was to seize the day.  Do what you love. And live every day like it was your last because one day it will be.  These are all old adages we've heard a million times before, but for some reason, they sounded fresh coming from him.

So this is my challenge to you.  Answer this question: If today was your last day, would you want to do what you did today?

Simple enough, right?  The answer will certainly guide you to the next question.  The real question is how will you answer that?

Unguid-ed.

the best and worst aspect of life's design is that there is no instruction manual.

pic:weheartit

Question-ed: Love vs. Duty

This weekend I felt as though I was sitting at the round table convention of real people.  My friends the doctor, the teacher, and the actor, (and me, the bookbinder) sat at brunch discussing the life decisions that stood in front of us.

The doctor talked about choosing a specialty.  Do I choose the path that I know I love, that I know I'm good at, but that I know will rule every free moment of my time, leaving very little room for anything else?  Or do I choose the path that I could enjoy, am marginally good at, but will afford me room to have a life of my own?

The teacher talked about getting her masters.  Do I pay $30,000 a year for a two-year program that will exhaust me mentally and financially and move me back to a city I don't want to be in, but eventually get me a license to do what I love?  Or do I stay where I am, do what is stable, but is not my passion?

The actor talked about auditions.  Do I continue to go after my dream of being a star, though I know how largely unrealistic that can be?  Or do I settle on my comfortable path of studies and gallery work that pays the bills, but will never fulfill my desire to be on the big stage or big screen?

And I spoke of the bookbinding business.  Do I continue to turn page after page in my tiny cubicle, learning different techniques of the same skill because its safe, because I don't know what else I could get paid for, because I'm scared?  Or do I give it all up, start over from scratch and pursue what I love, even if that meant giving up my free hour for my blog?

It shouldn't have amazed me that this question was so universal, but somehow it did.  This eternal question of love vs. duty seems to apply to everyone, regardless of their profession.  However, despite the universality of the question, it seems that the answers are as different as open heart surgery and a lesson plan.  And so the doctor, the teacher, the actor, and the bookbinder went on their way into the beginning of the week in search of answers...

pic:weheartit

What if the world stopp-ed?

What if the world stopped when you looked at me?
What if you didn't smell so damn good?
What if your smile didn't light up the room?
What if I stopped breathing when you say my name?
What if this is it?
What if I loved you?
What if you loved me?
What if this weren't a hypothetical question?

pic: weheartit